The Selfishness of Self-Centeredness
Continued from Blog Humility: Humble Pie or Tested Torte 3
What gets in the way of humility; of cultivating a humble state like Saint Teresa managed to do?
I think it is mis-placed focus. When we are conscious of ourselves, that is to say, self-conscious, then our focus is in. This internal self-centeredness is an abstraction and a distraction, and it is stifling. Our insecurity stops us from taking creative risks because failure is embarrassing.
As a child I never excelled at school yard games. I couldn’t jump the yogi rope like long-legged Denise and would often be the one holding the end of the elastic band over which she blithely sailed. It was the same with the skipping rope games – invariably after jumping in the rope tangled in my feet. Embarrassed I would leave and find a quiet place alone to eat my recess apple.
In high school I was always in the middle of the pack or near the end in any team sport selections. And I remember as a late teen bravely signing up for a soft-ball league assuming they would teach me the rules of the game. When on the field it was a humiliating discovery that everyone else already knew the rules. Worse were the lobs to base that only reached half-way the needed distance, this in stark contrast to the power behind the other girl’s pitches. It was déjà vu from my days in the school playground and after a few practices and games I quietly slipped away and stopped going.
Often shy and self-conscious it was a long time before I discovered it is a self-centered way of being. And it is a path that can lead to extinction. Boxed in by the fear of social gaffes, people’s judgments, and the horror of attracting attention to personal deficiency, experiences narrow and dry up.
What saved me as a child and a teen was my love of reading – it was in words where finally I became free of myself. Not yet equipped to immerse myself fully with real-life emotional risks it was through books where I dipped my toe in the water and forgot my pain. Transported away and into other people’s stories…oh, how I travelled.
Adios to Self-Centeredness, to Be Humble We Must Throw Ourselves out First
To be self-conscious is a self-centered existence. We presume a place at the centre of the universe where the stars and planets gravitate around our being; all eyes draw to view our inadequate state.
The Greek word for this ultimate degree of self-consciousness is hubris: pride. Too proud to own our failures we stop taking risks that expose us to scrutiny and judgment that could result in embarrassment. It’s like putting ourselves in jail – the insulation and isolation stops humble expressions of our humanity. But if we can’t embrace our own failings we will never be capable of accepting anyone else’s; to better engage with life we must first say goodbye to self-consciousness and throw ourselves out.
This is what Saint Teresa did – she threw herself out. Her own spiritual poverty bridged the gap to those to whom she ministered. In them she saw her likeness – abandoned and alone. With a focus turned out she forgot about her pain; empowered to take risks she entered a humble state that made possible compassion and love instead of pity.
To be continued (refer next post).
Agree or disagree – is it selfish to be self-conscious? Does this make for self-centeredness?